Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Thinking thoughts about things.

First off thank you ladies for A) all your comments, it's good to have people who are detached from the situation to offer level headed advice and B) for actually reading through that last posts numerous cluttered backwards sentences. Although a bar in the bathroom would have been nice there wasn't, but I'm assuming y'all knew that!

I honestly have not been the same since Sunday. I feel completely disconnected and out of sorts. It could be the horrid weather here in T.O, rain, rain, rain and oh look it's raining!
I just feel like I need to rethink everything. Like this plan was patched together because I compromised what I wanted to the very basics with the promises that there would be X, Y, Z if our wedding went this route. Z can only happen if Y does and right now I'm not confident that Y will happen. I need to think and then think some more and then when I'm think I'm done thinking I've got to think about it again. I need to know that what I'm doing is right.

Also I haven't talked about this because I didn't want to be a big downer, but I recently found out that I have lesions on my brain, a lot according to my neurologist. I don't know if a lot is 3 or if it's 100, when he told me I was too shocked to ask. Apparently lesions only occur on the brain through trauma or disease. I haven't suffered any trauma to the best of my knowledge. My next MRI is in May and they will be injecting me with some gadolinium which they didn't do last time. I keep telling myself it is nothing to worry about but every shooting pain in my head and every time something feels odd I can't help but wonder if it's because of that. In truth I am scared. If by some bizarre twist of fate I am actually sick I want to have the original wedding I had planned. I want to dance with my friends and eat amazing food. I want a night to remember. I know it sounds horrible but that's what I always wanted. I'm seriously one of the most glass half full people you will meet, at least I try to be, I don't take anything very seriously except health because without your health what do you have?

I've got so much on my plate right now and I'm just not hungry at all. I just keep pushing it all around and soon it's going to be one big gross mess of stuff.

9 comments:

The Professional Bridesmaid said...

Oh Brandy, I'm so sorry. Remember this, health is your number ONE priority. The wedding can come later. You need to take care of yourself right now. Maybe put the plans on hold for now...until you get your 2nd MRI. Once you have your health sorted out, then you can concentrate on the wedding that BOTH and your man want. I'm thinking about you!!!

Adrienne said...

Oh you poor thing! I am so sorry to hear that!! I hope you get good news after your next MRI, I will keep you in my prayers.

Margarita said...

Oh my goodness, Brandy, health is number one. And if at the end of the day you KNOW the wedding of your dreams is the one you absolutely can't live without - then you have to do it. Why not put your wedding on hold, like I said if you need any help / info on rebates /free stuff, let me know. I am a wonder with budgets.

Mara (The Wedding Cabaret) said...

i'll keep you in my prayers!

Hannah Noel said...

Oh my goodness..

I'm praying for you sweetie. Everything is going to be okay, we are all here for you!

Mo said...

It doesn't sound horrible at all to want the wedding you've always wanted. But I agree with PB, maybe you should wait until after your MRI to think about the wedding further so you can take it easy for now.

I'm so sorry Brandy, I really am, even though I'm a stranger you've never met living on the other side of the continent. You're in my thoughts!

Krista said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Krista said...

I'd tell you there's no need to worry until you know more ... but I know it's all you can think about. And telling you not to worry doesn't really help. I know b/c my mom was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago - and waiting for the diagnosis was the hardest part to get through. [She was diagnosed in early February, but that was after 4 weeks of testing.] Once we had an answer, a game plan, a treatment option, then our minds could return to normal.

Have you told the mister? Does he understand what you're going through? If you're going to continue planning a wedding, you're going to need his help - even more than you did before.

As everyone else has said, your health is # 1. But if you want to keep planning, then do so with the assistance of the mister. You really can't do it alone now.

If he does know, he's probably scared, too. Talk to him about why you want to keep planning in spite of this health scare going on. He needs to know what you're thinking.

CheapAndEasy said...

Yikes - it's no wonder you're re-thinking everything. That's perfectly normal when faced with something scary & potentially life changing.

Essentially, you have 2 choices. Put the wedding on hold until you know more or assume everything is going to be fine & continue planning. Ok, 3 choices - you can play the guilt card & explain to the Mister that you just don't know about your health & it's important for you to get the wedding you always wanted. Then get to planning it! The wedding planning will also help keep your mind off the "what if's". Give you something else to obsess about. It's bad right? Using a health scare to get your way? But it'll probably work.

On a serious note, you know you have a special place in my blog heart as you were the first person that ever commented on my blog. You were the first to make me realize I wasn't alone in my wedding ambivalence. I'm all the way in CA & we'll probably never meet (unless of course, I finally make that trip to the Hockey Hall of Fame) but I am here for you in an Internet kinda way & I will definitely keep you in my prayers.