Cancelling.

Today I cancelled our photographer, luckily we hadn't signed anything or put a deposit down yet, but she had made up a contract and only because of bad timing we weren't able to get our deposit to her. Phew.
I also cancelled the tea. I'm waiting to hear back from the catering manager to see if we lose our deposit or not. If we do lose it I will see if they can move the tea to a different date and use it for some other event.

Cancelling things made me feel a pang of sadness and admittedly I teared up a bit. Right now though, after it's all been done. I feel relieved.

On top of my health being weird right now there were other things that lead me to cancel it. Delay it, I should say. It's delayed until I feel like having it!

The fact that one of my bff's wouldn't be able to attend really stung. That the original plan was to do it this way so we could fix up the house and have a child asap. I'd rather have my house renos all done or at least most of the main floor done. I want to enter my front door and feel like I'm at home and not just in a house that has gross beige carpet and 80's wallpaper. I want to love my house and I don't. Not one bit. The fact that music and food is such a big part of our lives and we weren't going to have any dancing made me feel like puking. There wasn't going to be the banana chocolate chip cake with dulce de leche filling and buttercream icing, which is a cake we came up with several years ago as what we MUST HAVE AT OUR WEDDING. I mean we were giving up a cake that we dreamt up before we were even engaged! All the reasons I have mentioned here in my various "Oh my god what the hell am I doing?!?!?!" posts.

I feel better and happier and confident that this is the right thing to do.