Thinking thoughts about things.

First off thank you ladies for A) all your comments, it's good to have people who are detached from the situation to offer level headed advice and B) for actually reading through that last posts numerous cluttered backwards sentences. Although a bar in the bathroom would have been nice there wasn't, but I'm assuming y'all knew that!

I honestly have not been the same since Sunday. I feel completely disconnected and out of sorts. It could be the horrid weather here in T.O, rain, rain, rain and oh look it's raining!
I just feel like I need to rethink everything. Like this plan was patched together because I compromised what I wanted to the very basics with the promises that there would be X, Y, Z if our wedding went this route. Z can only happen if Y does and right now I'm not confident that Y will happen. I need to think and then think some more and then when I'm think I'm done thinking I've got to think about it again. I need to know that what I'm doing is right.

Also I haven't talked about this because I didn't want to be a big downer, but I recently found out that I have lesions on my brain, a lot according to my neurologist. I don't know if a lot is 3 or if it's 100, when he told me I was too shocked to ask. Apparently lesions only occur on the brain through trauma or disease. I haven't suffered any trauma to the best of my knowledge. My next MRI is in May and they will be injecting me with some gadolinium which they didn't do last time. I keep telling myself it is nothing to worry about but every shooting pain in my head and every time something feels odd I can't help but wonder if it's because of that. In truth I am scared. If by some bizarre twist of fate I am actually sick I want to have the original wedding I had planned. I want to dance with my friends and eat amazing food. I want a night to remember. I know it sounds horrible but that's what I always wanted. I'm seriously one of the most glass half full people you will meet, at least I try to be, I don't take anything very seriously except health because without your health what do you have?

I've got so much on my plate right now and I'm just not hungry at all. I just keep pushing it all around and soon it's going to be one big gross mess of stuff.